The 5 Essential Turn-On Tools

I’m here to share about a topic that is very dear to me and that I’ve personally done a lot of work around empowering and improving in my life and relationship. 

I can, with 100% certainty, say that it’s totally possible to increase your experience of sexual turn-on and desire no matter your relationship status, age, weight etc. 

Read below to elevate your knowledge about the tools you can use to increase your turn-on should you desire it… and if you have any thoughts or questions about it, feel free to send me an email and share with me.

❗️Well it's easy for you to be turned on all the time and have ALL the orgasms - you're a natural⁣❗️

Maybe somewhere deep down inside you, you think I have some magical skill or quality that makes it easy for me to be turned on, to get wet, to have great sex several times per week (sometimes per day!), to have all kinds of mind-blowing orgasms and to feel like my sexuality is continuously evolving and improving.

Short answer: NOT TRUE⁣

Long answer: read below.

There are a few different things I practice and focus on regularly to maintain and cultivate sexual turn-on. 

TURNED ON TOOL #1 MINDSET

The most important thing... mindset!

There are two pieces to mindset.

1. Self-responsibility

I have fully accepted that I'm responsible for turning myself on. 

It's NOT my partner's responsibility to turn me on. It's mine. Getting turned on doesn't start just before I'm about to have sex, it's something I cultivate every day. 

It's a conscious focus, the way I look at and sexually objectify my man (and other attractive people), and how I think about sex daily. Honestly, I started this IG to turn myself on - as an asset in my turn-on kit. 

Of course, what my partner does matters, but if I'm not already at a mental simmer of turn-on it would take me fucking foreveeeeeerrrrr to get turned on.

So babes, the responsibility is YOUR OWN, and through that ownership of your turn-on comes empowerment and inspired action. 

It also removes a subtle sense of victimhood - especially for heterosexual women - your sexuality and turn-on are YOURS, you don't need a man to save you or turn you on.⁣

2. Sex is for ME

Fully adopting the belief system that sex is for ME. 

It's not something I "give" my man or do "for" him. It's for me! I have sex because it makes me feel fucking good. 

I constantly work on this belief system but the societal conditioning runs so fucking deep that it constantly shows up as negative thoughts. 

I'm sure you can relate: After a long day of living, working, mothering, child-rearing etc etc sometimes I find myself thinking "I'm not in the mood" or "Yet another thing I have to do" - I quickly catch those lies in my mind and tell them to go fuck themselves. It's not true.

What's great after a long day? SEX. 

What makes me feel better always? SEX. 

If I didn't fully believe that I'm having sex for my own good, I could have sex to please my man and slowly build a bitter core of resentment inside me. 

Coming from the place that sex is truly for me and that it deeply benefits and nourishes me - helps me stay positive towards to sex which makes it easier to be turned on. 

AND to identify when I'm truly not in the mood, and I can honor my no.

TURNED ON TOOL #2 CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP CARE

It’s one thing to be hot and horny when you’re single... in fact, it’s fairly easy! It’s a whole other thing to maintain that desire year after year in a long term relationship... add kids 🤯

But I know it to be true, that your sex life is not doomed. It does, however, require conscious relationship care.

1. Commit to seeing your partner in the most positive light. Try to cultivate the same positivity you had toward your lover as you did in the beginning of the relationship.

2. Give and you shall receive. By being extra generous sexually, you’re gonna increase the sexual energy between you and your partner. In a healthy non-abusive relationship, it’s a proven method that you get your needs met by satisfying your partners need. Try it, it works!

3. Communication! Uggghhh so cliche. But honestly, unspoken shit and resentment are the biggest libido killers. Bottled up anger. Unexpressed hurts. You get it. Get honest with each other, even if it’s hard and challenging, the intimacy that follows is priceless. Communication builds deep trust and bonding, which will support your sexual trust and bonding too.

4. Talk about sex! If you can’t talk about it - you shouldn’t do it. Talk about your desires, fantasies, preferences. It won’t remove the magic, it will amplify it!!

5. Acknowledge that you will never ever truly know your partner. Cultivating that sense of mystery can spark your lust even after decades.

There is so much more!! I could go on forever. But these are some of my fave relational pieces.

TURNED ON TOOL #3 SELF-PLEASURE

After mindset and relationship care... let's turn the focus to your body – your amazing, sexual, magnificent, magical, sensual body. 

Working WITH the body through regular self-pleasure is a super effective way to maintain, cultivate and increase your turn-on PLUS pleasure.

So... it's pretty fucking simple – touch yourself sensually and sexually regularly!

Masturbate. Self-pleasure. 

Conscious self-touch is so soothing for the body, mind and soul. And it supports your sexual connection and vitality. 

Especially for women, who have a turn-on pattern that resembles water - it takes a while for it to boil, but once it's boiling it's FUCKING HOT and it can keep going for a loooong time. So as a woman, you want to pleasure yourself regularly to keep that water (your sexual energy) lukewarm at a minimum. Ideally, you want it to be simmering.

Most men, on the other hand, have a turn-on pattern that resembles a 🚀 . It's way faster, but also cools down very quickly. This is not good or bad - it's just the way our bodies are biologically different. Working WITH your body is key.

So to all my ladies - how to stay lukewarm or simmering?

Regular self-pleasure suggestions:

🚿 Conscious sensual touch in the shower

🍈 5 min breast massage

💦 Sensual/sexual self-pleasure

🌸 Touch your pussy daily

🍯 Sensual eating (making eating a sensual practice)

💃 Dancing

😍 Doing things that you LOVE that have no other purpose than the joy it brings you

Really, the most important thing is establishing regular self-pleasure. I know this can be really challenging to fit into your life, but if you struggle with low libido and a frozen pussy, then this can radically improve your desire, sex and pleasure and thaw your pussy so that she can eventually bloom again. 

Turn off your phone/Netflix and masturbate instead. ❤️

And if want practices and a structure for your self-pleasure, some guidance and inspo - then obviously I'm your person!! I work with women in 1:1 coaching and help them experience radical results and regularay offer group courses. Sign up for my newsletter so you stay updated on all details!

TURNED ON TOOL #4 SEXUAL FANTASIES

So far, we've covered: Mindset, relationship and self-pleasure.

Next up is sexual fantasies.

Your biggest and most important erogenous zone is your brain! 🧠

Turn-on happens in your brain, stimulation is coded and interpreted in your brain, thoughts and fantasies are products of your brain... so get your brain on board and don’t forget about it.

You can be rubbing your genitals for hours but if your brain/mind isn’t in the game, you lose. Every time.

This also means that the most important foreplay and sex prep happens in your brain, hours and days before you plan to have sex. 

There is no such thing as "spontaneous" sex. You want to be thinking about it, visualizing it, fantasizing about it, planning details about it, getting excited and turned on by the thought of it! 

Like your mouth waters when you think of delicious food, let your brain/pussy water by thinking about that sex you’ll have tonight/tomorrow/this weekend.

You want to, ought to, be fantasizing about sex. 

AND embracing those fantasies. Kinky, romantic, sexy, erotic, taboo, naughty, raw, passionate fantasies... whatever flavor your particular erotic mind has, embrace it! Make it your ally in your turn-on pursuit.

⁣And if you need a little inspiration to get your mind online, use the amazing resources readily available on the internet:

• Read erotica (check out @readaurore ), 

• Watch porn that you love (check out @erikalust @bellesaco @deeper_official ), 

• Follow Instagram accounts that tickle your sensual senses (for example @olillia_art @mmmallard_ @safiabahmedschwartz @tinamariaelena etc), 

• Do some sexy sexting, fantasize and journal about it (write your own erotica)

• Flirt with people and yourself (it can be sweet and innocent and really make a difference) 

• And just in general... involve your brain, thoughts and visions daily on your sexuality and sex-related things - and you will see that sex is more fun and hot and turn-on is more accessible to you.

TURNED ON TOOL #5 BODY LOVE

The final tool… body love.

If your mind is preoccupied with judging and bashing your body and how it looks, moves and behaves then you're gonna miss out on all the delicious sensations of your turn-on.

It's so hard though. It's a real fucking struggle for all of us - too fat, too small, too wide, too saggy, too little, too tall, too short... honestly, we all lose in this, but people who have body shapes and sizes beyond the beauty standard obviously suffer a lot more.

So, how to shift this? How to stop judge and criticize your body and start accepting and appreciating it?

Some suggestions:

1. Start celebrating your body for its functions. Literally. “Wow it's amazing how I'm able to walk/jump/run/swim”. Start building a sense of awe for the wonder that your body is. Also, celebrate your pleasure and the moments when you are IN the experience.

⁣2. Find people who model beauty, sexual pleasure and freedom and have a similar body shape and size as you. There is plenty of inspiration on the internet, IG, body-pos spaces, queer/inclusive porn etc. Stop consuming images/material that make you feel bad about yourself.

3. Take a look at history and see how beauty standards always change. Find a time/era when your body shape was celebrated. This can help you have a broader and more positive perspective!

4. Healing self-touch. Close your eyes and touch yourself with the intention of healing your relationship with yourself. Speak compliments to yourself - even if you find it challenging to believe what you say.

5. Take radically sexy selfies of yourself. Become the beholder of your own beauty. Shift your own gaze. Reclaim being the one who decides what is beautiful.

6. Get your partner/s and/or lover/s on board to help you with this. Ask them to celebrate you while you build your confidence to celebrate yourself. It can help to see yourself through the eyes of a lover who adores you.

7. Remember that pleasure and turn-on don’t discriminate. They don’t give a fuck about how you look...

I hope I’ve inspired you to play with these tools… I invite to reflect on them and apply them in your life. Over time, if you do these empowering tools, you will notice results in your turn-on. 

Love,
Erika